Do it Your Way, You Beautiful Albatross: Seeing what sets you apart as a strength
That thing you think you're doing wrong because that's not how it's supposed to be done - are you actually doing it... the best!? If so, you just might be an albatross, swan, or panda.
I work with a lot of clients on reframing narratives of success. Often, this means figuring out how to stop beating yourself up over doing something differently, even when you did it well. When this happens, I find that it typically stems from being brainwashed into accepting an impossible standard, often as a result of cultural expectations, media representation, and/or a difficult parent. Sometimes, it's a potent combo of all three.
I’m actually not advocating for uncritical self-love (although now that I say it, that does sound nice...). It’s just that if you set out to do X, and you did it, but you keep telling yourself you didn’t because it wasn’t thing Y, well that’s just not true. Nor is it a productive or particularly fun headspace to dwell in. One way I see this dynamic play out is when someone accomplishes a goal and instantly diminishes it by saying “Ok yeah I did it, but it wasn’t ___________” (i.e. as good as so-and-so). I'm no philosopher of logic, but I'm pretty sure that if you set out to do X and then you do X, you did X. So you might as well live in reality and pat yourself on the back.
Part of it may come down to lack of clarity about your goal. If you planned to accomplish goal X but secretly wanted to accomplish goal Y, then you achieved your stated goal, just not the unspoken one. But if the plan was X and it didn't turn into Y, that's no more your fault than if lead doesn't turn into gold.
If like many people you find yourself squashing your own triumphs but you like how that's going, more power to you. But I have yet to meet you.
When I work with someone who struggles to accept that they've actually achieved a goal, like any good coach I sometimes refer them to the 1895 Charles Baudelaire poem "L'Albatros," which you might be shocked to learn is French for “The Albatross.”
In the poem, a group of sailors mock an albatross for looking ridiculous after they trap it on deck and watch it stumble around just because it's not in its preferred element: the air. For not being a Y despite being an incredible X. Baudelaire compares the scene to his experience as a poet, and I think anyone who was ever made fun of for not fitting in - which I assume is everyone - can probably relate:
The poet resembles this prince of cloud and sky
Who frequents the tempest and laughs at the bowman;
When exiled on the earth, the butt of hoots and jeers,
His giant wings prevent him from walking.
For me, you could replace "sailors" with "jocks" and "albatross" with "theater kid."
The contemporary poet David Whyte says something similar in his book Mid-Life and the Great Unknown: Finding Courage and Clarity Through Poetry. He happens to cite a different white guy’s bird poem, opting instead for Rilke’s “Der Schwan," which you might be shocked to learn translates roughly to "The Swan." But I like what Whyte - who by the way is also white - says for himself. Whyte proclaims that achieving success is actually most likely precisely when we don't try to do it the way we think it's "supposed" to go:
I often think that one of the great qualities that’s necessary for every human being... is a sense of self-compassion for the way that you’re made in particular. That you wouldn’t lose faith, no matter what, in your own difficulties and awkwardnesses, and that some of your own awkward ways of being in the world are actually necessary... I do think that we diminish ourselves with many of the images that we hold for success in life, so that we feel as if in order to get to any kind of extraordinary experience in life, we have to cross the finishing line like some Olympic athlete. But I do believe that... part of the experience of the final meeting would be missing if you did not actually follow the whole vulnerable contour of your own imperfect belonging into the fullness of the experience.
Another great example of following the whole vulnerable contour of your own imperfect belonging? Kung Fu Panda.
If you're an albatross, swan, or panda, let's talk.
This post written without the use of AI
