Meet My Demons #1: The Shouldster
What would it take to stop doing, doing, doing, sit your butt down, and spend just five minutes listening to music and looking out the window? Getting the flu?
For me, that wasn't quite enough. It actually took five days of having the flu to give myself that permission. I wasn't physically capable of doing much else, but that didn't stop me from yielding to the ever present pressure to be productive!
Who's to blame? Capitalism? Max Weber's iron cage? Emily Dickinson's "goblin with a gauge?" (Apparently I went to college and have read some books!)
They may have something to do with it, but the real culprit here is none other than THE SHOULDSTER. Who's that? Oh, I think you know.
Lynda Barry wrote and illustrated the fantastic book One! Hundred! Demons! after getting the idea from a painting exercise called, you guessed it, "One Hundred Demons," which, according to one of the drawings in her book, she saw in The Art of Zen by Stephen Addiss. (You kids today with your AI and your SmartPants and your who knows what else: this is what attribution looks like, and also get off my lawn!) The basic premise is that she names, illustrates, and tells the story of various "demons" throughout her life, be they experiences, tendencies, or traumas.
And so, inspired by Lynda Barry (and Stephen Addiss and 16th century Japanese Zen monk Hakuin Ekaku), I present to you some of my own demons. Or are they yours as well?
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:
"You should exercise more."
"You should make more money."
"You should have your life figured out by now."
"You should have a lucrative, fun, photogenic side hustle."
"You should do more to protect democracy - but first, you should do all those dishes you lazy bum!"
"You should... Beyoncé."
And so on. If you've heard these or similar statements, you know who The Shouldster is because it's one of your demons, too. I SHOULD probably say more but I think I've given that demon enough airtime for now...
So you have a demon. Now what?
Hire me as your coach and I can guarantee to get rid of 100% of your demons in 30 days or your money back! (<- jk, don't sue)
Step 1: Recognize the demon when it pops up. You'll find a version of this process across modalities, from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Vipassana (or its more accessible, better marketed offshoots, Insight Meditation and mindfulness).
Next, if you haven't done so already, give it a name. If not a demonic one, something like Jennifer or Steve will do. (If those names aren't funny, pick one that is: humor is an antidote to many afflictions - see the "Riddikulus" charm in Harry Potter).
Finally, employ a demon-specific strategy, such as counteracting the demon's voice with a more desirable phrase or mantra: "don't should on yourself," for instance.
Personally, the greatest weapon I have found against The Shouldster is simply knowing what is enough, often achieved through specificity and/or goal setting. For instance:
The Shouldster: You should exercise more!
Self: Nice try, but I already met the goal I set for this week.
My Shouldster was so powerful that it kept me from listening to music despite being laid up with the flu. Instead, The Shouldster kept telling me to check my email, plow through my to-do list, and more. Exhaustion? Fever? Chills? No excuse!
If there's a demon blocking your way, let's work on it together. Get in touch for a free, 20 minute consultation. You really SHOULD!
