Thoughts aren't facts: Four strategies for dealing with negative thought patterns

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I'm not good enough. I tried before and it didn't work. Everyone else has it figured out — why can't I?

If any of those statements land for you, you know what I'm talking about. Negative thought patterns: critical self-talk, limiting beliefs, the narratives we repeat until they feel like facts. These are some of the most common challenges my clients bring to coaching. Spoiler alert: they’re highly workable.

If you experience negative thought patterns, I want to validate just how difficult they can be. It’s hard to move through a world that appears to be made up of closed doors, and all of that effort can feel like an extra part time job on top of everything else you need to do.

But what if you could be free from the negative thoughts that hold you back? What would become possible?

The good news is that, in most cases, change is achievable.

Even reading that sentence could be a moment when negativity derails your process – if you start with the assumption that change is not possible, then you already have your answer. But if you can start from a place of possibility, there’s a path forward. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as neuroplasticity:

“The importance of neuroplasticity can’t be overstated: It means that it is possible to change dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaving and to develop new mindsets, new memories, new skills, and new abilities.” (Psychology Today)

In Buddhism, to which psychology owes a tremendous and often undisclosed debt, this is sometimes referred to as Buddha-nature (or rigpa or bodhicitta) — the idea that every being has an innate capacity for awakening, goodness, and clarity. As the psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach says in her book Radical Acceptance, “Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.”

So the first step towards making a change often requires accepting that change is possible. When I’m working with a client and they feel hesitant to take action – reaching out to someone in their network as part of a job search, for instance – I often remind them that while we don’t know for sure what will happen as a result of their action, we certainly know what will happen if they don’t act: nothing. Or at least nothing different. After all, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Remember, thoughts aren’t facts! Sure, they may contain kernels of truth. But just because you think them, you don’t have to believe them. There’s something about the concepts that originate within our own minds that seduce us into believing they are indiscriminately true. Not so! In fact I’d guess that the majority of thoughts aren’t true statements, especially when it comes to self perception. Subject your thoughts to some objectivity and see how they stand up, but please don’t take them at face value: remember, inside your skull, there’s no peer review.

I also recommend being vigilant against confusing negativity, skepticism, or pessimism with realism. This isn’t the case. If anything, the most realistic disposition is a neutral one, adopting the perspective that something might go one way or another. Are things really more likely to go poorly than go well? There’s a common bias towards negativity that suggests they are. But guess what? That’s just a thought! (See last paragraph.)

Now on to some solutions. If you’re looking to shift a negative thought pattern, here are four different approaches.

Coaching. A coach gives you a designated, judgment-free space to examine the stories you're telling yourself — and to decide what you actually want to do when those patterns arise. I come to this work as a writer, performer, and educator: someone who has spent decades thinking about how narrative shapes the way we see ourselves, the world, and what's possible. If the voice in your head is telling a story that isn't serving you, we work to find one that does.

Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of grounding yourself in the present moment - as opposed to dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. It can be particularly useful in shifting out of bias and into reality. A great place to start is the free Mindfulness app Healthy Minds, which I find to be both accessible and effective.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is a type of therapy that helps people to change their thought patterns. While there are some exceptions, most CBT practitioners are therapists. Either way, if you’re interested in CBT, make sure the person you work with has the proper training. For instance, go to Psychology Today -> Find a Therapist -> All Filters -> Types of Therapy and check the box for CBT. And here’s an intro to CBT from the American Psychological Association.

RAIN. This one’s a bit of a hybrid between mindfulness and CBT. Developed by meditation teacher Tara Brach, RAIN is an acronym for a four-step process that helps you deal with difficult thoughts and emotions in the moment: you Recognize what’s happening, Allow it to be there without making it worse by resisting, Investigate with curiosity, and Nurture yourself with compassion. Here’s a guide to RAIN including several free RAIN meditations.

To be clear, there are some instances of negative thought patterns that may require more than any of the above can offer. If that applies to your situation, I’m certainly not here to invalidate the level of care you require, or to suggest that an app is all you need. But it might be part of the solution. And for most people, any of the above strategies can have a significant impact.

Again, if you’re open to the possibility of change, then change is that much more possible. Conversely, if you tell yourself “nope, none of that’s going to work on me” - well, you’ve already closed the door. Any step, of any size, that you make towards change gets you closer to it.

More good news: simply noticing negative thought patterns is half the battle, if not more. By becoming aware of the pattern, you become less likely to get swept up in it. Sometimes, just getting that one degree of distance is all you need to experience a shift. That way, you see what’s coming before getting dragged down by it.

Negative thought patterns are no joke. They can be the difference between a sense of fulfillment and a feeling of failure. I hope one of the strategies above helps you make that change.